I feel a little misunderstood sometimes…maybe it’s just me though. I am just bad at life. I am terrible actually. I hurt people, when really, I only want to make them happy. I am Tim from “Life and Times of Tim”. I can’t stand it. I say one thing, when I look back, yes I can see how what I said was the worse possible thing to ever say, but fuck my mind is just weird. It just thinks up weird things. My intentions are always honorable though and I just am so thankful for the few friends and family that understand that. 

I used to be in a bible study with Trip, Ale(my two best friends), and many other dudes that I was somewhat/not fond of. Well, when it came to interpreting scripture and what I got from it, my answers were so far from what everyone else’s was. It was so weird. Trip, and Ale though, would always see where I was coming from, or at least say they did, which would make me feel a thousand times better.

I don’t know if it’s that I am the dumbest 23 year old ever with no absolute common sense, or just so gifted that no one else can think of the amazing things I think about.. Definitely not B.

My life’s sad. I struggle, and I have been for a long time now. What’s even sadder is how I want to cry right now, but I can’t. I am so close, but my tears just don’t exist apparently. Am I human any more?

I seriously should just move away, and become my uncle Sam. I feel that everyone I touch I hurt in some way. When my heart loves them so so so much, apparently my mouth says something otherwise. Or at least they take what my mouth says completely for the negative.

Why is it that we all look at situations, people, and problems, as a negative or positive. It’s as if nothing can be just an IT. Why do we have to label everything. 

I am frustrated. Why? Because I am so in love with my girlfriend, that I said the wrong thing apparently. I was struggling and went to her for help. Instead of her taking my struggling as struggling, she took my struggling as me making her feel like complete shit. Which made me so confused. I was speechless. Then I just keep talking, and trying to recover myself, just pulling anything out of my ass which would make it “be better”, which ONLY makes it worse. What happened to me?! Why me? Why do I fuck up so much. 

At least I know THIS, that God knows my heart, that He knows my intentions, and that I can find comfort in that. Damn I couldn’t cry after even writing that sentence. Almost did though. 

What am I going to do now? I think I’ll just keep living my life. People will keep misunderstanding me, but that’s okay. I am me, I like me, and God made me for some reason that I don’t understand. I can be frustrated at him, I could hate myself, I could want to honestly want to kill myself, but I won’t. I love God too much, Marisa too much, my friends too much, and my family oddly too much. 

Goodnight.

**I wrote this on 1/2/11 - posting it late due to comcast sucking**

I haven’t felt like shit in a long time until now. I know it’s not a huge deal, but I still do care a lot. Worked till 1am last night. Did laundry, and finally was in bed by 2-2:30. I set 3 alarms in my phone. The day before I had set some alarms, and yet my phone never went off. I thought that was strange, so to be safe, I set 3 alarms in my phone. Made sure the volume was all the way up, and my phone on the charger. I was supposed to pick up Marisa at 10:30 for church. She ends up calling me at 10:51. :/ I messed up. My phone never went off. I even tested it again this morning, setting it a minute later from the time, and it still didn’t go off. I don’t know what to do, I guess I can restore and restart my phone, maybe even have to go out and buy an alarm clock. Marisa left and went to church alone. I hate that I disappointed her.

I stepped back a little to look at the situation. It happened and I can’t do anything about it. We can feel bad about it, but that won’t get us anywhere. I tried to calm myself down, and focus. I showered, then watched Kevin speak over the internet for the service at RPC. It was a great service and definitely got something from it. 

If Marisa still want’s to be mad, then I guess I just have to let her. I’ll give her space until she wants to see me again. It’s not fun being in my shoes. Especially when this was just some fluke that sorta just happened. It’s kinda the story of my life. 

Have you ever watched the Life and Times of Tim. Well, Tim, seems to just always get himself into trouble, when he really doesn’t make the wrong choices. So the whole show is about how he gets stuck into bad scenarios based on him just being nice, or some how doing the wrong thing. It’s never intentional though. It’s quite funny of a show. 

I have my mothers wedding photos to edit, laundry to finish, and a house that still is a little dirty from the night before. So I do have things to do. 

A few new years resolutions that I have come up with is:

Eating out less. Less fast food.

Flossing once a day. Then mouthwash too.

Spending more time with the Lord.

Give more money, and time for serving.

….more to come I hope. 

There really isn’t anything else on my mind I feel passionate about and could write a lot about. I know the situation with my dad is still shit. My work situation is kinda riding on the fence. In everything though, I am grateful. I made a lot of money surprisingly this year, yet I don’t have anything left to show for it (I need to check out my finances to figure out where all my money is going). God has blessed me with so much this last year. I remember a year ago how I said “Fuck ‘09”. A lot happened in ‘09 that hurt me. It got better later in ‘09, as I moved back home. But ‘10 was really a great year. 

I spent a lot of time with music, finding new bands, and going to some great shows. Developed relationships at work, filmed some amazing weddings, edited a lot of footage, traveled to California, and Memphis. I witnessed my best friend Trip getting married. I met an amazing girl, talked to her, got to know her, and now am in love with her. I was blessed to be able to spend the new year with her, and some of my best of friends. 2010 was a blessing, and I need to realize that instead of looking at all of the negatives. It was great. :D 

I better be off now. It was nice to reflect. I feel like I am in a good place right now. Thanks.

I really haven’t written in a while. I hope a few friends that might come over, doesn’t keep me from finishing this or just deleting it in the end. 

So, how are things? I have been through a lot lately. First off, I am excited about the fact that I am finally with someone. :D So far things have been great. We’ve been through our struggles already, but nothing really that’s keeping us from being with each other. I enjoy her company a lot. Our relationship is still very fresh though. We had our first date mid November. The beginning of the relationship was a battle. She was being very protective, so she wanted to stay friends. While I have been hurt too many times from being “just friends” so I pushed for a relationship. It became very emotional, but in the end, we agreed to being with each other. Ever since, we’ve only grown closer and fonder of each other. What I love the most about our relationship has been the honesty. We’ve discussed our struggles and our thoughts as we keep pushing on. I really like her! :D 

On the other hand, my mother got married. I photographed the wedding, walked my mother down the isle, put together a slideshow to be shown during the ceremony, and provided the music for the reception. I was pooped out from everything. It was very stressful for me. Seeing my mom happy has meant a lot. I still have to be honest to myself, and how I feel about the whole thing. I still am a little hesitant about the whole thing. I don’t agree with everything. Only time will take those feelings away I suppose. I am not the kind of guy who blindly trust anyone that comes into my life. I also can’t always trust that my mothers judgement is good. After 27 years of marriage, your judgement isn’t too great. 

As for the other parent, my father contacted me via e-mail only a few weeks ago. He offered a ticket to me for a flight to CT. My father and his brothers were putting together a mini family reunion. I told myself about 10 months ago or less, that if my dad did invite me somewhere, a trip to colorado with my brother, sister, and dad for example, that I would say yes. This pretty much was that invite. My brother and sister were not invited though. Just myself. I prayed a lot about it, I spoke to my sister about it, and wrote Trip about it. One night, I laid in my bed, and just spilt my heart out onto the notepad on my iphone. I took what I wrote and forwarded it to Trip and the sister. In the end, I finally sent to my father this on Christmas Eve.

“Dad, I appreciate the offer, I would really do anything to see the Reid family. George and Mike especially. The thing is, I’d also have to be around you. There are some problems in our relationship we need to talk about before we put ourselves amongst our families, appearing to everyone that every things fine, when it’s not. 

 You have had plenty of opportunities to see me here. You knew where I lived, where I worked, and yet you haven’t taken the time to seek me out. The only time when you are willing to talk or meet, is when it’s convenient for you. You never seem to go out of your way to be with us. 

You haven’t sought out change, council, or even recognized that there’s a problem. You still only keep tearing down the relationship you have with your daughter. 
All my interactions with you for the past year or two have been about finances. You value money over people and your own family. 

I appreciate the offer, but I just can’t take it right now. I don’t think it would be appropriate until we’ve addressed and sorted through these things. While I certainly haven’t given up on you or our relationship, I don’t think the time is right. 

I apologize for responding on Christmas Eve, but I needed time to think and pray about my response. I hope you can do the same.”

Christmas was surprising good this year. I really wasn’t expecting much. Friday I got a lot of work done, then headed over to my house for some dinner. Andrew tried to speed things up by wrapping the turkey in foil. That didn’t work. It’s all good though, and in the end, everything tasted wonderful. We drank a lot of wine, cory, ale, luis and i. We all then headed over to the Fautsch’s for more dinner, and cigars. I had a blast! Headed back to the house to sleep. Christmas morning I talked on the phone with my special someone, and opened the gift she bought me over the phone. She’s been out of town for Christmas the be with her family. So her gift was by far my favorite. A little leather wallet for my passport. I am going on a cruise Jan 9-16th and didn’t have a holder for my passport. Now I do, and love it! :D That was the highlight of my day. Afterwards though I had a wonderful breakfast and time opening presents with my mother and andrew. Soon after, headed over the the Fautsch’s to enjoy the rest of my Christmas day with lots and lots of Mario Party!! I know, weird. It was sick how many hours of that game we played. It was very fun though. Enjoying though a lot of coffee, cheeses, chocolates, and wine, while playing. It was a great day in the end. :) I am very blessed and happy how everything turned out. 

Friends are coming over now. Byes!